So, imposter syndrome. Google defines it as “the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills”. And honestly, I still struggle with that. And from what I’ve experienced a number of scientists from under-represented backgrounds struggle with this. Now I’ll be talking about this through the lens of a black male chemist, but hopefully others will be able to take something from reading my experiences and how I dealt with it. I’ll start with my first sense of imposter syndrome and how I dealt with it and then finish up with my most recent case and how I’m trying to deal with it. Cool? Cool.
Let’s see, first case was probably my first semester at Mercer University. Up until I went there, school had never been an issue. I could always pass classes with relative ease and thought that the community college I attended was just upgraded high school. So, imagine my surprise (read devastation) when I failed the first chemistry course I took at Mercer. Nothing makes you question your career path than failing a class directly related to your major. Not gone lie, I felt pretty depressed and honestly considered whether college and science was right for me. And that’s when the imposter syndrome started coming in. See I had always been the only one of my friends to be a chemistry major. That was nothing. And before I failed that class I was the only black chemistry major. Now I had failed classes before: art, history, that beast Kwasi likes to call biology. But I’m a chemist! What kind of chemist fails at chemistry?! Surely, if I couldn’t pass this class, I would never make it as a real chemist. I saw all of my other classmates that didn’t seem to struggle at all. They passed every test and set the curve, while I was always at the tail-end of it. Might as well stop the train here. But I managed to beat back my sense of not being good enough. I started talking to other people about what was going on. They weren’t science majors, but they were going through similar issues: being the only black person in their class, always behind the curve, constantly studying but the material just isn’t sticking. It really helped knowing that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. It helped just being able to talk out my frustrations. I talked to my professors about their academic and professional journeys and learned something interesting. Scientists fail. A lot. Like, for every success in the lab there are at LEAST 5-10 failures. Passing isn’t what makes a scientist. The determination to not give in to failure and keep pursuing knowledge is. So, I took the class again, determined to pass with flying colors. Afterall I knew what to expect, yeah? Welp, I got a C. During my time at Mercer I got C’s in two chemistry courses and one physics course. Despite my transcript not being as pristine as I would’ve liked, I still made it into one of the top universities in the country. I’m doing research that I love, and that people call me an expert in. Lab mates actually come to me with problems and seriously ask for my input. I teach undergrads the chemistry that I was taught. The chemistry imposter syndrome is finally gone! But, just like most negative things, it found a way to spring back up. The imposter syndrome I’m currently dealing with is actually this blog we’re running. Now, I can’t write as eloquently as Kwasi. I can’t make connections and grab at emotions like Reggie. And yet they both seem to think that my writings are worth something? Yeah, I don’t see it, but if they see something in it who am I to argue? I guess if they didn’t think my writings were all that great then you wouldn’t be reading this huh? This time around I’m working through this by taking a deep breath and looking around me. I wouldn’t be where I’m at in life now if I wasn’t good enough yeah? Well, the same goes for you. Y’all stay safe, Lloyd
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